C'mon, C'mon, Turn OVER already! %$&#!!!!!

Okay, so I am trying to "restart" my blogging. Thus the title of this blog. I have banged my head on various cars' steering wheels like Marty McFly in Back to the Future when my old crapboxes wouldn't start. Well, my previous blogs have become old and, while entertaining, are not relevent anymore. They no longer transport me as they once did. They have been deleted. So I'm turning the key,putting my foot on the gas, and hoping for re-ignition. I'm gonna sweet talk this bad boy into starting and getting me where I need to go.

So, several months ago, I changed my blog from "The Date Knight" to "Just Funny Enough" with the belief that I would fill this space with witty repartee that would entertain and amuse. Ha! Hasn't happened. I have been having a party, ladies and gentleman. A party of grandiose proportions. A party so huge that there was little room for other activity. A party that had one very important guest and that guest just relished the theme of the party. That party was a PITY PARTY, the guest was me, and boy, did I celebrate. I felt like I was hungover most of the time and I barely ever drink! I received an invitation everyday, grabbed it in my greedy little hands, and started dancing the dance of self-pity. I love 80's dance music but the music played at this party - yes a tiny violin - had me moving in sync with my horrible circumstances. From the moment I awoke to the time I dragged my sorry ass to bed (or in most cases, just stayed on my bigass green couch), all I could think about was how much of a suckfest my life was. And yes, I frequently invited my friends and family to view this fest from afar, although no one was allowed to come close enough to touch the trappings of this party and make them different. Sometimes I slapped on a smile and made nice so that I wouldn't seem too pitiful. But it didn't take long to drop that and hit the sorry-for-myself soiree again.

Okay. The truth is...my life isn't easy these days. My divorce has taken a toll on my financial situation that often leaves me wondering how I will pay my bills, has me hitting Coinstar for gas money, or has me taking handouts from family members that both embarasses me and reminds me how much I am loved. While I have never seen myself as an obsessive person, my mind cannot think of much else than how bad things are for me. And how sucky it is to have to deny my kids things that I can't afford anymore.

You see, I have always been one to be responsible. Growing up, we didn't have a lot, though truthfully, I had more than my older siblings. And from the moment I knew what working was, I wanted to work. (Looking back I realized this might have been a sign that I had some mental health issues...now I just want to go back to the time when I didn't know what work was). I started working at the age of 14 "under the table" at $3 per hour. During high school, I worked 34 hours a week at pet store. I gave my mom $20 a week "board". The payment of this was to show me financial responsibility. Which it did. And from that time I have been financially responsible. I have paid my own way. I have paid the way for some others on occasion. And yes, there have been times of struggle. But in 2005 I made a horrible decision to open my own business. Left a well paying stable job to roll the dice at entrepreneurship. And I crapped out. I lost my retirement, my savings, my marriage. I am proud that I had the courage to take a risk, but that risk devastated my whole life.

So here I am. Divorced. Juggling custody of my kids. Paying a lot of money for child support which is only right. I'm back working for the government which was the job I left to open my business. I have had to rebuild again in my job. I have set myself back about 7 years. And in my mind I have brought myself to a place I never thought I would be - working paycheck to paycheck and sometimes, not making ends meet.

Yes, the black streamers are hung for decoration and the violin plays on. And I'm getting tired of it all. Tired of this constant obsession with my situation. And here's where I make a big confession. I don't know how to stop it. I have friends and family whose situations are at least as bad or worse. Who have lived through much horrible personal experiences than I. And I try to compare my life to theirs for perspective and feel guilty when I still pity myself. But the truth is when its you its very hard to let it go. And that is where I struggle every minute of every day. Because on top of my pity party, I feel guilty about feeling sorry for myself. Thats the icing on the cake served at my party.

I will admit I won't be able to let go of this easily. Apparently its in my nature to feel this way. To worry endlessly about my financial situation. And the sad part is this...if my financial situation would improve, my life would be pretty damn good! Because it already is! Its just hard to lift my head above the weight on my shoulder and see the light that shines around me. And there is light:

- I have wonderful daughters that love me and whom I love endlessly.
- I have a great supportive family who would do anything for me and have.
- I have great friends who give me comfort in the form of wise words, humorous exchanges and sometimes physical threats.
- I am dating a lady who knows what my life is and still wants to share it with me. Who celebrates the thought of a future together. With ME!
- I have a steady, well paying job.

But my financial situation is depressing me. Literally and figuratively. I am a stress eater so I have been eating badly (also because bad food is cheaper food) and have gained the weight I worked so diligently to lose earlier this year. Disappointment. I know my diabetes is a threat, my other health will also suffer. Something must be done.

Here's the plan. Contacted my Employee Assistance Program. Getting help with a budget. Getting some counseling for my endless obsession with all that is sucky about me. Trying to embrace what I have rather than what I don't. It won't be easy. Especially this time of year where celebrating the holidays costs so much. But I am determined to get past this. I have had dark thoughts lately and I can't let them overtake me.

So, I am going to start blogging regularly. I'm going to try to find the funny, odd or just happy things in my life and showcase them. It is what it is, but I need to find what it can be!